Reconnecting After a Big Fight (Long-Distance)
If you’re short on time, feel free to only read the bold font.
Now that you’ve had the chance to calm down after a huge blow-up with your significant other, you might be wondering how you can do some damage control. You’ve been anxiously checking your phone but there are no new notifications or missed calls from your partner. Do you give them space? Should you reach out first? Can things be repaired?
The answer to all of those maybe not-so-hypothetical questions is - it depends. However, there are some situations where you shouldn’t try to reach out to someone. Examples can include but aren’t limited to: if the other person stated (in any way) that they no longer wish to have contact with you, if they told you that they would reach out first, if they mentioned that they’ll be getting a restraining order, or if they already have one. Additionally, if your repair attempts could be considered (especially by the other person) harassing, manipulative, or controlling, these are instances where you should NOT contact them.
On the flip side, if there’s been an understanding that both of you will willingly communicate later, feel free to keep reading. Ideally, though whether you decide to reach out first or give them space, you’re making those decisions in moments of calmness.
Step 1
With that being said, are you feeling calmer? If not, what do you need to do to get to that headspace?
Step 2
Once you’re feeling more settled, it may be helpful for you to assess the situation. How did you both end the argument? Did it conclude with harsh accusations and yelling or did it end in stony silence? It might feel like these arguments are hard to come back from. However, you know everyone’s needs and wants in this situation, so you can use that information to your advantage. That information can be used as you brainstorm your next move.
Step 3
As you’re thinking about your next move, let’s talk timing. Keeping everyone’s needs and wants in mind - where is the healthy middle ground in this scenario? If your partner wants space, it’ll be in your best interest to honor that. Your needs are important too, though. If you’re interested in revisiting topics that were brought up, how things were handled, apologizing, etc. it’s only fair that a discussion occurs at some point.
Let’s continue with that specific example where one of you wants breathing room and the other wants to talk.
If your significant other specified how much time they want/need, fantastic, go with this time frame. If they didn’t - do you have anything from the past to reference in terms of how much space they need? If so, that can be used as a timeline for the next time you reach out. If they’ve neither given you an estimate nor a sense of how much space they need and if there’s nothing in the past that could serve as an indicator, you have some options.
You could reach out a day or two later (during moments of calmness) and acknowledge that you want to respect their earlier request for space but you’re uncertain how much time would be helpful for them. The key would be to keep that interaction brief and not attempt to convince them to have an extensive conversation with you sooner than they’re comfortable with.
If all else fails, you may need to rely on what you know about them. Would waiting just a few hours be enough for them or could it make them feel that you didn’t respect their request for space? Is a full day or longer a sufficient amount of time for them? Is it possible that they would consider that time frame to be too long?
Step 4
Once you’ve carefully weighed your options and have decided on the best path for you to take, be careful not to get too attached to any specific outcome. Just because you’ve thought things through, attempted to reconnect, feel you’ve improved your communication this time around, etc. doesn’t mean the other person has done that exact same work and/or is ready to receive what you want to say. It’s also plausible that even if they’ve been working on their communication, they simply aren’t where you are on your self-improvement journey and that’s ok. It may not feel like it now but everything will play out as it’s meant to (even if it’s extremely difficult at the time).